If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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