soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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