So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
