We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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