There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
it was like eating out sand paper
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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