I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
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