my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
