I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
