Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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