Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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