Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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