I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
