i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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