I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
