My hand turned me down
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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