I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
