today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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