I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
