I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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