my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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