If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
