i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
