Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
