My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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