Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
