everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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