look no pants
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
