I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
