a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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