proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
