I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
