Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
