we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
