alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
