It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
