get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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