i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
