Even the bartender felt bad for me
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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