Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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