he was CRYING into my vagina
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
