I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
