I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
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