I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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