So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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