explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
