some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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