I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
