This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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