That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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