im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
birth control should be required to get into college
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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