I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
