someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
