I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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